Monday, July 22, 2013 @ 4:10 AM  1 stares
assalamualaikum and hi~

today i'm going to do some self-reflection 
haha isn't all of my post like that ?
the vain self reflection of myself

 everything seems harder day by day
the things that seemed easy becomes annoyingly difficult
too much work on too minute of a detail

the one thing that bothers me the most lately is my hijab, my tudung

lets start from the beginning shall we?

when i was little..standard 3 or so
i got scolded my by cousin

she said to me..
"nina..kena pakai tudung.. wajib..pungpangpungpangpungpang"

and then i said..
"kita kecik lagi.. rilex ah..x wajib"

so, she argued
"nanti kalau nina mati kena jawab ngan Allah"

vainly i said
"alah..xdanya nk mati esok"

and then she said
"mati x semestinya tua.. bila2 boleh mati"
"kalau mama papa nina mati..diorg pon kena jawab, kena seksa"

even though i was soo young.... sentap youuu
after that i still made fun of my cousin and her ridiculous preach
but my cousin didn't give up.. one day i went to play at her house
and she took out a piece of her tudung .. and asked me to try it on

god was i cuteeeeeeeeeeeee!!
so i said

"ehh... nak pakai lah lepas ni... tpi takot mama marah.."

and then my cousin said
"benda baik kenapa nk marah.."

okay  let me get it straight
that zaman was the zaman i got scolded by everyone for everything i did
it felt as if even if i breathe too loud, i'll get scolded
making me scared to make any mistake
making me scared to ask permission to do anything
and ended up not doing anything

anyway my cousin gave me that tudung as a present

i was attending sekolah petang
so in the morning i have to go to some kind of nursery to fill my time,
and then they'll send me to school in the afternoon.
that morning i took the tudung.. and asked "maaa.. nk pkai ni boleh?"
and than my mother said "pakai lah... dapat mana tudung?"
"maryam bagi"

i was shocked that my mother was okay with it..
and really happy as well.. haha
so after that, somehow i have a lot of tudung
the pink one was my favourite
i wore it sempang..i took both ends of the tudung and tied them inside the tudung, around my neck
i wore with baju lengan pendek

after that i wore it to my morning nursery school thinggy..
and most of my friends didn't wear tudung
so when i wore it they were like
"wahhh cantik nina pkai... mcm wardina, macam waheeda"

okay in that zaman, waheeda and wardina was really hot hahaha

but then people stared to tegur
"nina, pkai tudung, kena tutup ni...."
*while pulling my tudung to cover my chest.. even though i haven't developed any chest..

friend 1: "eh tu nina.. nampak nina kat billion smalam"
friend 2: "oh ye??, dia pkai ape??, pkai tudung x?"
friend 1: "pkai... baju tshirt biasa je, lengan pendek, ngan sluar jean"
(i smiled while thinking : knape tnye camtu?..toing toing)

so i was confused... i didn't know why.. but people said i had to..
i had to cover my chest.. and for some reason my arms
i was the penjaga who was taking care of us at the nursery,
she didn't cover her chest with her tudung, okay je
and all of my friends that tegur my regarding my tudung, diorg x pkai pon..

so whatever... i did what i had to
i started covering my chest.. and stopped wearing lengan pendek
all at the same time

standard 6, i wanted to go "free-hair"..but i tried going out once without it and it was super uncomfortable,
so i kept my tudung on

during primary school, at one point my tudung became super short as i got taller..i got uncomfortable and all i can do was pull and pull

so during form 1,i decided ask my mother to buy bigger ones..
and then people asked "nina skolah agama ke dlu?..
"eh tak.. skolah biase je"
"ohh..igtkan skolah agama.. tudung labuh" head went toing toing... i didn't see the relevance
it felt like a bad thing.. (bodoh kan?)
so after that i only wore normal sized ones
i think i cut my big tudung smaller.. :'( sobbsss

during form 4 form 5...
even my wrist became something sexy
apparently i had to cover them too
handsock katenye
even my voice is aurat
laughing out loud was apparently wrong
but speaking to slow was apparently wrong too
got scolded ample of times because of that

when tudung instant was invented... it wasn't long enough.. it felt like i'm not wearing any tudung
it didn't cover my shoulders, and it stuck to my face
so one raya, my mother and sisters were all wearing tudung ariani and what not
and i got scolded for wanting to wear tudung bawal
so i wore tudung ariani anyway.. to please them
it was a grumpy raya... my pictures were hideous.. i didn't have fun

so everytime i put on tudung bawal.. i felt like a loser while my siblings were ariani-ing and fareeda-ing it up
i knew it didn't suit me
so i tried wearing shawl...
one thing i like about shawls... i can pull them to cover what i want to cover
and i can twist them however i want

my shawl debut was at a bazaar ramadhan.. hahaha
and then i heard voices
"dik!.. char koey teow dik!.... abg ni blanja"
hahaha i looked good~~ dah pakai style hana tajima messy style
messy pon, muka yg penting attracted too much attention...
so i only wear it when i'm lazy to iron my tudung
and i refuse to resort to tudung instant

during asasi...shawl and heels were IN
form fitting baju kurung
tshirt and black cardigan were in style
but i wore baju kurung and tudung bawal everyday
because i have absolutely no intention to attract anyone attention
my days were all -go to class-go buy food-go back to hostel-

one time i was rushing somewhere.. so i didn't pin my tudung completely and rushed downstairs
i sempang-ed my tudung, like most people usually does..temporarily
when i got down stairs, my friends said "amboii nina.. sexy harini"
i replied "haaa ni haa pin.. x dan nk pin.. pgang jap beg".. *and then i pined my tudung

what i don't get... diorang pon sempang ..why is it wrong when i do it?

even then.. i didn't see the relevance..
all i knew.. i was comfortable covering what i should..
so i did..and that was it

at some point..
my usual baju kurung became jarang
nmpak tangan lah.. nmpak ni lah...nmpak tu lah

me : *masuk kelas wearing a black baju kurung, tangan jarang siket.. org x prasan kot
a guy's voice: " nya baju dia.." *throws away one baju kurung

me :"eh.. ok tak baju kurung ni.. nmpk organ dlman tak?"
friend :"hmm..nmpak la nina pkai inner" *throws another baju kurung

my usual tudung became jarang
nampak tengkuk..subang..
my full anak tudung wasn't enough
nope.. i needed inner neck
covering my arms weren't enough
my blouse... even though they were long...
terselak sana... terselak sini..
nampak itu nampak ini
wrapping my body.. was not enough
oh...socks wajib tau?..

one day, my older sister bought me tudung syria
it fits my face perfectly.. haha .. i look cute in them.. and i can see!
so i had the opportunity to choose.. i bought XL ones
when i go to class "eh nina pin eh tdung ni"
me: "a'ah...asal"
friend : "nampak...ehem"

so i stopped pin-ing and let it be
and then one day.. i wore it when i went out  with my family..

 my mom said
mama: eh pin lah tudung
me: hahah kenapa.. ok whatt?
mama: mcm indon.. pin lah.. selekeh..pungpangpungpangpungpang

now... i bought bigger tudung
non jarang ones...
but..people keep on saying "its too big"
and my clothes are too tight
and my shoes are too high one have problems with my shoes.. muahahaha

and this time ..even i criticize myself
haha.. nak pkai muslimah la sgt...prangai cam ape
baca quran berterabur
solat pon..hadoyaiii
hubungan ngan manusia x reti nk jga
suci la sgt padahal.......

why is it getting harder as i get older?
i wish i can ignore it and wear what i usually wear
but i can't
suddenly, they've became uncomfortable..

at times i feel like giving up
being able to fit into those pretty2 clothes
hearing how good i look in those pretty2 clothes
hearing my sisters say
"badan nina je boleh pkai baju mcm tu... tpi nina x nak pakai"
when my little sister is too small to fit into them
and my older sister couldn't fit into them yet

why am i so weak
i wasn't like this before..
why does it matter now?
banyak persoalan yg bermain di minda..
banyak tanda tanya dan juga kata kerja
pray for me
:'( sobss